As this year has been a year of many firsts. We also may be finding ourselves in a year of a number of lasts!
This will be the first time in many many years that I haven't been with my family for the holidays. On the contrary this will be one of the first times M has spent most of the holidays with his family in many years. This is our first time living in Las Vegas. Our first time in many years we didn't take a large vacation. The first time in many years we haven't adopted a four legged child.
However, for all those firsts it is also a year of potentially many lasts. This could be the last year that we spend the holidays without a human child. This could be the last year we have enough freedom to come and go as we please. This could be the last year we don't have to worry about school schedules, parent teacher conferences and doctors appointments.
This revelation of life has been building over the last few weeks, but it hit home directly tonight when I got the mail and I found the big holiday book from Target. I could save $50 on stuff I don't need. As I was about to toss it in the recycling bin it hit me. OH SHIT next year I may have to care about what toys are on sale and the ability to save that $50!!!!!! I felt like that moment in Frozen when she sings about it being anxiety or gas. I wasn't sure if I was excited or in fear for my life.
I'm sure every parent to be has those moments of sheer panic where you wonder if what you are doing is right. You ask yourself am I ready for this? Could this be real? Who would entrust me with a little person. Then you slip into I've taken classes and the state must think I'm ready. Then you think wait the state can't balance their budget am I really using them as a parental baseline of qualification.
It all rushes through your mind in the blink of an eye. Then you remember the warm hugs from nieces and nephews. Them texting that they miss and love you. Them wishing you were near and coming home for the holidays. In those memories you think I can do this. I could have that every night. That with the bedtime fights and the 45 minute shower arguments and the you can't wear that discussions and the hurt feelings from bullies or not getting onto a team or activity.
At the second blink of an eye the migraine starts and you suddenly feel overwhelmed and incapable of the many little tasks of parenting. You have to sit. You have to breath. You have to ponder life's greater ambitions and the balance of power in the world.
Then your phone dings and it's an email from an adoption site showing you kids that just want to be loved and find a home that will be good to them. You read a profile of kids who say they want parents who make meals at night, will take them to the park and will maybe let them have a dog. You suddenly realize for the umptenth time that life is such a short blink of existence and in many cases all we can do is the best we can and hope for the best. That life is to short to not reach out to another person and want to help where you can. Suddenly life is back into perspective and while all is not perfect in the world, for one or two children life will be infinitely better because we will love them and care for them the best that we can. We will make mistakes as will they and we will learn together how to trust each other, learn from our mistakes and learn how to be a family.
If you have little people in your home hug them close tonight. Their are many children in our world who do not get enough hugs or love or clothing or food.
Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
J
This will be the first time in many many years that I haven't been with my family for the holidays. On the contrary this will be one of the first times M has spent most of the holidays with his family in many years. This is our first time living in Las Vegas. Our first time in many years we didn't take a large vacation. The first time in many years we haven't adopted a four legged child.
However, for all those firsts it is also a year of potentially many lasts. This could be the last year that we spend the holidays without a human child. This could be the last year we have enough freedom to come and go as we please. This could be the last year we don't have to worry about school schedules, parent teacher conferences and doctors appointments.
This revelation of life has been building over the last few weeks, but it hit home directly tonight when I got the mail and I found the big holiday book from Target. I could save $50 on stuff I don't need. As I was about to toss it in the recycling bin it hit me. OH SHIT next year I may have to care about what toys are on sale and the ability to save that $50!!!!!! I felt like that moment in Frozen when she sings about it being anxiety or gas. I wasn't sure if I was excited or in fear for my life.
I'm sure every parent to be has those moments of sheer panic where you wonder if what you are doing is right. You ask yourself am I ready for this? Could this be real? Who would entrust me with a little person. Then you slip into I've taken classes and the state must think I'm ready. Then you think wait the state can't balance their budget am I really using them as a parental baseline of qualification.
It all rushes through your mind in the blink of an eye. Then you remember the warm hugs from nieces and nephews. Them texting that they miss and love you. Them wishing you were near and coming home for the holidays. In those memories you think I can do this. I could have that every night. That with the bedtime fights and the 45 minute shower arguments and the you can't wear that discussions and the hurt feelings from bullies or not getting onto a team or activity.
At the second blink of an eye the migraine starts and you suddenly feel overwhelmed and incapable of the many little tasks of parenting. You have to sit. You have to breath. You have to ponder life's greater ambitions and the balance of power in the world.
Then your phone dings and it's an email from an adoption site showing you kids that just want to be loved and find a home that will be good to them. You read a profile of kids who say they want parents who make meals at night, will take them to the park and will maybe let them have a dog. You suddenly realize for the umptenth time that life is such a short blink of existence and in many cases all we can do is the best we can and hope for the best. That life is to short to not reach out to another person and want to help where you can. Suddenly life is back into perspective and while all is not perfect in the world, for one or two children life will be infinitely better because we will love them and care for them the best that we can. We will make mistakes as will they and we will learn together how to trust each other, learn from our mistakes and learn how to be a family.
If you have little people in your home hug them close tonight. Their are many children in our world who do not get enough hugs or love or clothing or food.
Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
J
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