To DINK or Not to DINK....that is the question!

As many of you may know the last few weeks here at Foster World have been a little rough. I think as I look back on conversations M and I have had it isn't so much that the kids are worse or better than we thought, it is more that we don't always feel that our support from case workers and case managers are sufficient. In their defense they are overburdened with large case loads, minimal operational support and low pay. Turn over in these positions tends to be high largely because better opportunities are presented or simple burnout occurs.

In the last few weeks I've had calls answered with little to no concern for what is going on or multiple calls and texts not returned for almost 24 hours. If I'm going to go through the work of actually calling you it's a safe bet that I need you to return that call. Sadly even when the call does get returned it is with the same indifference as when it is answered the first scenario.

So these struggles have lead to some very serious conversations in my home that are continuing. The simplest question I can break it down to is: To DINK or NOT to DINK. (For those of you who are not familiar with this marketing term it stands for Duel Income No Kids) There is a growing trend to this lifestyle in our world today. Many couples or individuals are making the choice to not have children. People often think them weird, strange or that it's just a phase and that they will change their minds, but I give these individuals kudos for making a tough decision. Society is often not kind, especially to women, who do not feel the need to have children.

So back to the topic at hand is would M and I be ok if we maintained our DINK lifestyle. For M the answer appears to be easier than it is for me. He is older and has had more time to contemplate this answer and frankly says until he met me he never thought of marriage or children. He is ok being DINK or unDINK. I am the lone holdout. I often picture my funeral, I know how morbid, and think will I regret looking down and not having children in the receiving line hearing and sharing life stories. (Yes bitches I said down cause Jesus and I got some talking to do. Hell don't want me cause I'd take over and re-arrange the fun and Heaven's afraid I will and people will want to come down and party.)  However, I think it goes deeper than that. I feel like I am at a point in my life where I look at my world and think what am I doing to make it a better place. I'm never going to be a great scientist who invents something great and wonderful. I'm never going to be a billionaire who can donate huge sums of money to malaria and polio vaccinations. I'm never going to feed the world (frankly M is scared when I'm in the kitchen to long). So how do I have a lasting impact on the world in a positive manor? What else can I do to have more fulfillment in my life other than being a hard working financial employee?  M makes peoples lives better every single day. He is amazing at what he does and even through the stress and the distance it now causes us he has an impact for the better for those individuals who need him. I don't have that yet. I'm still searching for my center.

So as I think about our DINK life I realize how blessed I am and wonder if a DINK life is the life for us what else do I have to offer the world to make it a better place?

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
John

This time of year!

This is always my favorite time of the year. Not because of the weather as everyone should know by now that winter sucks donkey balls. My skin gets dry and you have to bundle up even when you are sitting inside the house. I love this time of year because I don't go to the mall or shop much so for the most part I get to see the happy people. Strangers stopping to wish each other a Happy Holidays or a Merry Christmas. I'm not an overly religious person, although I acknowledge the reason for the season, so for me it's more about the feeling of the holiday season. The goodwill towards your fellow person.

This year has become extra special as M and I have had our first Foster placement. I've shared some of the harder moments of being a foster parent, but last night may have been the first moment of the special moments that make it all worth doing. The hell previously gone through as I put it last night.

After Foster's therapy appointment we were driving home. I buckled and took them to Taco Bell. (i mean really there was so many more places with redeemable nutritional value, but that's what they wanted and Foster has been doing so well) We started talking about the upcoming holiday break and they are very excited to get to spend the whole two weeks with their Dad and Step-Mom. As we were talking I slipped in that we'd have to figure out a time for them to open their Christmas gifts before they left. Foster kept talking for a few moments and then said hey wait you got me gifts. It was practically a priceless moment. I said of course we did. In fact M has to pick up one more gift that will be from your grand foster parents jointly. (foster has met my mom, but has never met M's parents. they still wanted to get him a little something)

Foster seemed genuinely stunned by this revelation. For the rest of the night they were all smiles and just kept asking what it was, which one was theirs under the tree and if they could open them right then. It was one of those genuine moments were the real Foster came shining through and the stress of the last few months was gone and they were a relaxed happy teenager.

I went to bed with joy in my heart.  I am so blessed to have the life that has been given me.

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
John

Foster Parenting Anxiety

This may be a common feeling for parents, but as I reflect on the last 45 days of foster parenting I realize that my life is consumed by anxiety. 

• Anxiety over if Foster is having a good day at school. 
• Anxiety over what mood they will be in when they get home from school. 
• Anxiety over what mood they will be in when they get home from their weekend pass to their parents. 
• Anxiety over not being able to relate to them.
• Anxiety over not getting through to them. 
• Anxiety over feeling alone and not getting much support from the foster care system.
• Anxiety over what people will think if Foster isn't doing better.

All this feeling of am I good enough is so far behind me that it has surprised me that it has risen from the dead and been resurrected at this time of my life. 

My life is no longer this peaceful existence. Their is anxiety and questioning everywhere. I'm exhausted all the time just feeling and thinking about it. I sit at work and wonder what awaits me at home. When I drive home I wonder if home will be a refuge or a war zone. When I'm home I can't just be calm and relax because there is always nagging suspicion I should be doing something. Something more, something better, something different. 

Now many will read this post and say well John is finally starting to understand what parenting is. To them I say how do you deal with this? Why do you deal with this? The increased movement of DINKdome is rapidly evolving because of this. (Dual Income No Kids)  If people knew this going in would they have kids? My friend B is great with kids. Loves her girls and keeps having more. I can't imagine having this feeling times 4! 

Perhaps my anxiety is amplified because this is my first time around the block or because I'm thrust into the middle of parenting with a teenager and it is different if you have children from a younger age that you can grow with and mold. Perhaps they are all like this and my future kids will all be furry and four legged!

At this point I look forward to my Friday nights, Saturdays and Sundays until 7 as the tranquility returns to my home for a few short hours. Good books get read, movies get watched and meals get eaten around the table. Comfortable quiet returns and all seems right with the world again.

Am I alone here?

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,

John

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and by gosh people like me!

Ok if you know that reference you are obviously old enough to have watched SNL for some time. A great friend once told me that line and I believe she even had it put on a mirror for me at one point. I need that line tonight as I have increased my efforts in trying to related to a teenager!

I'm not sure what the deal is here. Other kids and teens are drawn to me. All types of people tell me things. Lots of things I really don't want to hear, but I listen anyway. So what is it about this teen that makes the surface hard to crack.  I've tried cool, laid back, intense and caring...I've even shared stores of my teenage years. What more does this teenager want from me. Tonight at dinner was all smiles and jokes. We talked about school and homework and girls and current events. It slowly started going down hill. I noticed it coming. The gates started to slowly inch their way closed. Then we needed to run to a music store to get drum sticks. Then it was all over. It's a long drive from my house to Oak View (All the closer stores closed already.) with a teen watching the window like it's Miley Cyrus riding a wrecking ball.

When we got home it was a very pleasant compromise on homework and then I sat in their room for like 45 minutes just sitting waiting patiently being a goof ball. I asked them to give me something and I was told I was annoying. Well duh!!  15 minutes later I was unlikable because I was annoying. Seriously that's my super power charm honey. Annoying, funny, sarcastic, witty and really happy. That's like the fiber of my being.

So where was I.

Oh yes it has now become my mission in life to make this teenager talk to me at least a little. As a gentleman at work said during a meeting I'm gonna break you down like a Barbara Walters special baby!

Hey it's cold outside and all the pups are with M what else do I have to do. :)

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
John

Gym Time

Well I thought it might be time to post an update on my Better Bodies adventure. I was doing extremely well going 3-4 times a week. I am still working on building up my cardio, doing planking, crunches, pushups and lots of stretching. Last week was a rough week though and I didn't go once except for Satuday. I did like Saturday because I tanned before working out. I'm not typically a tanning bed kinda person, but in the winter my seasonal depression kicks in hard and it does help to spend 5-8 minutes a week in the nice warm environment soaking up the UV rays.

Last week just got away from me. There is no excuse, but between doctor appointments and a SAT meeting at school for Foster and meetings at work their just never seemed to be enough time during lunch to actually go. I had every intention of going today, but we woke up to no heat this morning. A chilly 55 degree morning in the house. Foster had the smarts to grab a space heater at some point last night. So currently waiting for the furnace company to come and check it out. It's hard to justify going to the gym over lunch when you are 3 hours late getting to work.

I hope that the rest of the week goes better. I am actually starting to feel some results after only the first couple of weeks of doing cardio. Not that I've gone down in lbs so much, but that my pants appear to be fitting a little better and my energy level is a little higher. I did miss the gym and do feel the results of going. Winter is the hardest time though. I just want to be inside sleeping when it's so cold out.

I just have to keep the goal in mind and force myself to do it!!

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,

John

Funny Shit Kids Say

I thought this was funny and thought you might too.

Foster got in trouble again today at school. This has been a continued issue that seems to be getting a little worse. I passed the information on to Foster's Dad and Step-Mom when I found out. They talked about it and came up with Foster's Punishment. Foster has to rack leaves in the yard tonight. I took pity on Foster and said just pick up the ones around the retaining wall and call it good. I got home from walking the pups and Foster is back in his room. The work isn't done so I said come on let's go get it done and Foster's reply was....wait for it because this is a good one:

YOU DON"T HAVE TO HELP!

I just chuckled and said who said anything about helping. I'm supervision to make sure it's done right. Evidently that's not needed either. Needless to say I'll be in the cold supervising shortly.

Thought you all might get a chuckle out of that as I did.

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,

John

Portsmouth bound

So how many of you enjoy your in-laws? Much less how many of you look at your lover and say we should go see your Mother; I haven't seen her in a long time. I once took a poll at work of how many people had said that or had their partners say it to them and not one said yes. So it just goes to show you how weird M is. On Thursday as we sat around in our post food haze M looks at me and says we could drive up to see your Mother on Saturday.  Well call her up and see if she's going to be around. My Mother has a more active social life than I do.

So Saturday we are up have the dogs fed and walked and start the 45 minute drive north. It's an enjoyable drive going up 29 and over through 680. I love when the trees are all green. Upon arrival hugs for both of us and the work starts. Mom hadn't put up any of her decorations. I realize that each year the decor gets more minimal, but she didn't have anything. She opted against the big tree in the basement so we just got all the little stuff out. There is a winter town, a 3 foot tree for the table in the living room, a nativity set and various other little statues. In under 90 minutes we had everything up and boxes put away. M transformed the little Charlie Brown tree into a respectable Christmas Tree with perfectly placed ornaments.(If any of you have seen our tree you know that I have nothing to do with its decoration and everything to do with M.)

After we were all cleaned up Mom drove us to Harlan for lunch. I mean after the exhausting 90 minute decorating whirl-wind we couldn't expect any of us to make anything. Borderfare is always a safe bet in the little town. Opting for a non-buffet setting. Then to Shopko for a rousing shopping spree for a blue stocking for Foster and then back to Mom's.

The only sad part of the day was upon our return M needed to pack the car and head west.

I'm truly blessed that my Mother loves M and he her in return. Not many people can say their in-laws love them like another son or another mother.

Not the most exciting blog, but one that makes me love my life all the more.

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
John