To DINK or Not to DINK....that is the question!

As many of you may know the last few weeks here at Foster World have been a little rough. I think as I look back on conversations M and I have had it isn't so much that the kids are worse or better than we thought, it is more that we don't always feel that our support from case workers and case managers are sufficient. In their defense they are overburdened with large case loads, minimal operational support and low pay. Turn over in these positions tends to be high largely because better opportunities are presented or simple burnout occurs.

In the last few weeks I've had calls answered with little to no concern for what is going on or multiple calls and texts not returned for almost 24 hours. If I'm going to go through the work of actually calling you it's a safe bet that I need you to return that call. Sadly even when the call does get returned it is with the same indifference as when it is answered the first scenario.

So these struggles have lead to some very serious conversations in my home that are continuing. The simplest question I can break it down to is: To DINK or NOT to DINK. (For those of you who are not familiar with this marketing term it stands for Duel Income No Kids) There is a growing trend to this lifestyle in our world today. Many couples or individuals are making the choice to not have children. People often think them weird, strange or that it's just a phase and that they will change their minds, but I give these individuals kudos for making a tough decision. Society is often not kind, especially to women, who do not feel the need to have children.

So back to the topic at hand is would M and I be ok if we maintained our DINK lifestyle. For M the answer appears to be easier than it is for me. He is older and has had more time to contemplate this answer and frankly says until he met me he never thought of marriage or children. He is ok being DINK or unDINK. I am the lone holdout. I often picture my funeral, I know how morbid, and think will I regret looking down and not having children in the receiving line hearing and sharing life stories. (Yes bitches I said down cause Jesus and I got some talking to do. Hell don't want me cause I'd take over and re-arrange the fun and Heaven's afraid I will and people will want to come down and party.)  However, I think it goes deeper than that. I feel like I am at a point in my life where I look at my world and think what am I doing to make it a better place. I'm never going to be a great scientist who invents something great and wonderful. I'm never going to be a billionaire who can donate huge sums of money to malaria and polio vaccinations. I'm never going to feed the world (frankly M is scared when I'm in the kitchen to long). So how do I have a lasting impact on the world in a positive manor? What else can I do to have more fulfillment in my life other than being a hard working financial employee?  M makes peoples lives better every single day. He is amazing at what he does and even through the stress and the distance it now causes us he has an impact for the better for those individuals who need him. I don't have that yet. I'm still searching for my center.

So as I think about our DINK life I realize how blessed I am and wonder if a DINK life is the life for us what else do I have to offer the world to make it a better place?

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
John

This time of year!

This is always my favorite time of the year. Not because of the weather as everyone should know by now that winter sucks donkey balls. My skin gets dry and you have to bundle up even when you are sitting inside the house. I love this time of year because I don't go to the mall or shop much so for the most part I get to see the happy people. Strangers stopping to wish each other a Happy Holidays or a Merry Christmas. I'm not an overly religious person, although I acknowledge the reason for the season, so for me it's more about the feeling of the holiday season. The goodwill towards your fellow person.

This year has become extra special as M and I have had our first Foster placement. I've shared some of the harder moments of being a foster parent, but last night may have been the first moment of the special moments that make it all worth doing. The hell previously gone through as I put it last night.

After Foster's therapy appointment we were driving home. I buckled and took them to Taco Bell. (i mean really there was so many more places with redeemable nutritional value, but that's what they wanted and Foster has been doing so well) We started talking about the upcoming holiday break and they are very excited to get to spend the whole two weeks with their Dad and Step-Mom. As we were talking I slipped in that we'd have to figure out a time for them to open their Christmas gifts before they left. Foster kept talking for a few moments and then said hey wait you got me gifts. It was practically a priceless moment. I said of course we did. In fact M has to pick up one more gift that will be from your grand foster parents jointly. (foster has met my mom, but has never met M's parents. they still wanted to get him a little something)

Foster seemed genuinely stunned by this revelation. For the rest of the night they were all smiles and just kept asking what it was, which one was theirs under the tree and if they could open them right then. It was one of those genuine moments were the real Foster came shining through and the stress of the last few months was gone and they were a relaxed happy teenager.

I went to bed with joy in my heart.  I am so blessed to have the life that has been given me.

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
John

Foster Parenting Anxiety

This may be a common feeling for parents, but as I reflect on the last 45 days of foster parenting I realize that my life is consumed by anxiety. 

• Anxiety over if Foster is having a good day at school. 
• Anxiety over what mood they will be in when they get home from school. 
• Anxiety over what mood they will be in when they get home from their weekend pass to their parents. 
• Anxiety over not being able to relate to them.
• Anxiety over not getting through to them. 
• Anxiety over feeling alone and not getting much support from the foster care system.
• Anxiety over what people will think if Foster isn't doing better.

All this feeling of am I good enough is so far behind me that it has surprised me that it has risen from the dead and been resurrected at this time of my life. 

My life is no longer this peaceful existence. Their is anxiety and questioning everywhere. I'm exhausted all the time just feeling and thinking about it. I sit at work and wonder what awaits me at home. When I drive home I wonder if home will be a refuge or a war zone. When I'm home I can't just be calm and relax because there is always nagging suspicion I should be doing something. Something more, something better, something different. 

Now many will read this post and say well John is finally starting to understand what parenting is. To them I say how do you deal with this? Why do you deal with this? The increased movement of DINKdome is rapidly evolving because of this. (Dual Income No Kids)  If people knew this going in would they have kids? My friend B is great with kids. Loves her girls and keeps having more. I can't imagine having this feeling times 4! 

Perhaps my anxiety is amplified because this is my first time around the block or because I'm thrust into the middle of parenting with a teenager and it is different if you have children from a younger age that you can grow with and mold. Perhaps they are all like this and my future kids will all be furry and four legged!

At this point I look forward to my Friday nights, Saturdays and Sundays until 7 as the tranquility returns to my home for a few short hours. Good books get read, movies get watched and meals get eaten around the table. Comfortable quiet returns and all seems right with the world again.

Am I alone here?

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,

John

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and by gosh people like me!

Ok if you know that reference you are obviously old enough to have watched SNL for some time. A great friend once told me that line and I believe she even had it put on a mirror for me at one point. I need that line tonight as I have increased my efforts in trying to related to a teenager!

I'm not sure what the deal is here. Other kids and teens are drawn to me. All types of people tell me things. Lots of things I really don't want to hear, but I listen anyway. So what is it about this teen that makes the surface hard to crack.  I've tried cool, laid back, intense and caring...I've even shared stores of my teenage years. What more does this teenager want from me. Tonight at dinner was all smiles and jokes. We talked about school and homework and girls and current events. It slowly started going down hill. I noticed it coming. The gates started to slowly inch their way closed. Then we needed to run to a music store to get drum sticks. Then it was all over. It's a long drive from my house to Oak View (All the closer stores closed already.) with a teen watching the window like it's Miley Cyrus riding a wrecking ball.

When we got home it was a very pleasant compromise on homework and then I sat in their room for like 45 minutes just sitting waiting patiently being a goof ball. I asked them to give me something and I was told I was annoying. Well duh!!  15 minutes later I was unlikable because I was annoying. Seriously that's my super power charm honey. Annoying, funny, sarcastic, witty and really happy. That's like the fiber of my being.

So where was I.

Oh yes it has now become my mission in life to make this teenager talk to me at least a little. As a gentleman at work said during a meeting I'm gonna break you down like a Barbara Walters special baby!

Hey it's cold outside and all the pups are with M what else do I have to do. :)

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
John

Gym Time

Well I thought it might be time to post an update on my Better Bodies adventure. I was doing extremely well going 3-4 times a week. I am still working on building up my cardio, doing planking, crunches, pushups and lots of stretching. Last week was a rough week though and I didn't go once except for Satuday. I did like Saturday because I tanned before working out. I'm not typically a tanning bed kinda person, but in the winter my seasonal depression kicks in hard and it does help to spend 5-8 minutes a week in the nice warm environment soaking up the UV rays.

Last week just got away from me. There is no excuse, but between doctor appointments and a SAT meeting at school for Foster and meetings at work their just never seemed to be enough time during lunch to actually go. I had every intention of going today, but we woke up to no heat this morning. A chilly 55 degree morning in the house. Foster had the smarts to grab a space heater at some point last night. So currently waiting for the furnace company to come and check it out. It's hard to justify going to the gym over lunch when you are 3 hours late getting to work.

I hope that the rest of the week goes better. I am actually starting to feel some results after only the first couple of weeks of doing cardio. Not that I've gone down in lbs so much, but that my pants appear to be fitting a little better and my energy level is a little higher. I did miss the gym and do feel the results of going. Winter is the hardest time though. I just want to be inside sleeping when it's so cold out.

I just have to keep the goal in mind and force myself to do it!!

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,

John

Funny Shit Kids Say

I thought this was funny and thought you might too.

Foster got in trouble again today at school. This has been a continued issue that seems to be getting a little worse. I passed the information on to Foster's Dad and Step-Mom when I found out. They talked about it and came up with Foster's Punishment. Foster has to rack leaves in the yard tonight. I took pity on Foster and said just pick up the ones around the retaining wall and call it good. I got home from walking the pups and Foster is back in his room. The work isn't done so I said come on let's go get it done and Foster's reply was....wait for it because this is a good one:

YOU DON"T HAVE TO HELP!

I just chuckled and said who said anything about helping. I'm supervision to make sure it's done right. Evidently that's not needed either. Needless to say I'll be in the cold supervising shortly.

Thought you all might get a chuckle out of that as I did.

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,

John

Portsmouth bound

So how many of you enjoy your in-laws? Much less how many of you look at your lover and say we should go see your Mother; I haven't seen her in a long time. I once took a poll at work of how many people had said that or had their partners say it to them and not one said yes. So it just goes to show you how weird M is. On Thursday as we sat around in our post food haze M looks at me and says we could drive up to see your Mother on Saturday.  Well call her up and see if she's going to be around. My Mother has a more active social life than I do.

So Saturday we are up have the dogs fed and walked and start the 45 minute drive north. It's an enjoyable drive going up 29 and over through 680. I love when the trees are all green. Upon arrival hugs for both of us and the work starts. Mom hadn't put up any of her decorations. I realize that each year the decor gets more minimal, but she didn't have anything. She opted against the big tree in the basement so we just got all the little stuff out. There is a winter town, a 3 foot tree for the table in the living room, a nativity set and various other little statues. In under 90 minutes we had everything up and boxes put away. M transformed the little Charlie Brown tree into a respectable Christmas Tree with perfectly placed ornaments.(If any of you have seen our tree you know that I have nothing to do with its decoration and everything to do with M.)

After we were all cleaned up Mom drove us to Harlan for lunch. I mean after the exhausting 90 minute decorating whirl-wind we couldn't expect any of us to make anything. Borderfare is always a safe bet in the little town. Opting for a non-buffet setting. Then to Shopko for a rousing shopping spree for a blue stocking for Foster and then back to Mom's.

The only sad part of the day was upon our return M needed to pack the car and head west.

I'm truly blessed that my Mother loves M and he her in return. Not many people can say their in-laws love them like another son or another mother.

Not the most exciting blog, but one that makes me love my life all the more.

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
John

Bridegroom

I heard about the story of Tom and Shane via facebook. Someone had shared the extremely emotional video diary that Shane had done after Tom's death. For those of you who don't know Tom and Shane were a gay couple living in California. They'd been together six years, owned a house together, a business, traveled extensively and had built an amazing life for two young men in their mid to late 20's. They both came from small towns Tom from Indiana and Shane from Wyoming. Shane had family that loved and accepted him. Tom had a family that loved and accepted the part of him that wasn't gay.

Sadly Tom was in an accident and died as a result of a fall off a roof. The hospital wouldn't let Shane see Tom at the hospital. From the documentary it appears some nurses took it among themselves to break hospital rules and take him back to the room where Tom's body laid. Tom's mother showed up in California appeared to be friendly to everyone and then took Tom's body back to Indiana and never let anyone know about the funeral arrangements. When Shane tried to go he was called by a relative and told not to come on threat of violence.

Six years these two men spent together. M and I are just hitting our 5th year this coming January/February. My biggest fear in life is that something like this could happen to us. We could be traveling and one of us gets hurt. We could be in Nebraska going about our day and one of us gets hurt. One of us is rushed to a hospital and the other is not given any access to the other. No matter the protests. No matter the people standing with us. The hospital can say I'm not family. I don't think M's family would ever stop me from being involved in his medical care or decisions, but it's a scary thought.

This movie is the true face of marriage equality and why it is so important. When one is hurt or has passed on it is up to their next of kin or spouses to make decisions and without a legally binding contract a bf/gf/partner can be completely excluded from these discussions. Sure there are other legal avenues to accomplish medical power of attorney's etc, but a system is already in place that eliminates the need for these additional and costly legal documents. One simple trip to the court house gives a world of safety and recognition to unions between adult individuals. Isn't it time we treated adults as adults and allowed them to love and marry whomever they choose.

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
John

Discipline in the City

I fear that my upbringing has failed to prepare me for disciplining children in the city. There are no barns to clean, no fence lines to trim, no weeds in a pasture that need to be cut down by hand and no fields of beans to walk. How do people discipline their kids in the city? Furthermore, how do you know what is an appropriate amount of discipline for the act?

I struggle with this constantly. Foster overall is a good kid, but he's made a few bad decisions. Last time Foster was grounded for 2 days from all electronic devices. Foster took the punishment in good stride and didn't complain. Now I'm in a position where a bad decision is more severe than the previous digression.

Many parents may ground their children from a cell phone, not going to school games, not going to the movies, etc. However, as a foster parent these are not things that most foster children have or do. I can't take away something that they do not have. I can't stop them from going somewhere that they don't ordinarily go. So what do I do?

Currently lost at parenting...suggestions greatly appreciated.

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
John

Thanksgiving at the Farm

In my last few minutes of waiting for Foster to return from their Dad's I thought I would tell everyone about the fun filled day we are about to have. For the last 2-3 years my sister-in-law has hosted Thanksgiving. It's given us all a chance to return to the farm of our birth. While the old house has been replaced with a nice new ranch, the outbuildings are still mostly there and the rolling hills still present a joyful winter experience.

Foster has never been to a farm before. I'm not sure Foster has spent much time outside of big city limits. A town of 250 people may seem a little odd to them and a farm with cows may be sensory overload, but in the next 20 minutes or so we will head out. This is one opportunity I have to show Foster a different perspective on life. His Dad was a little less than thrilled to know his child had been placed in a gay foster home. While we all have worked through that this will be an opportunity for Foster to also experience a family that has no issue with my relationship. See a different perspective on the Thanksgiving feast. Maybe even get an ATV ride from my nephew. Who knows what the day will bring!!

The only sadness today is that M doesn't get to be here. Not just in the fact that we will now be enjoying jar gravy, but that my family has so welcomed his as one of our own that he doesn't get to spend the day with us. (jar gravy because M usually makes the gravy now) The first year he fit right in with a new infamous game of spoons where he and my niece ended up under the table fighting for the last one. I should see if my nephew still has that recorded.

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few though this Saturday of Thanksgiving. M is called to be a guiding light to the faithful that look to him for comfort during their time of sadness and loss. While it is hard not to be with him I can also say that I'm thankful on this day that the world has people like M to look to. People who have love and compassion to fill entire houses. People like M are a rare find. They have the ability to put you at ease with  a pat on the shoulder or a friendly look. His passion and calling in life are what he was meant to do and I'm thankful this Thanksgiving season that he followed that passion and is doing something he loves. Though it means we are apart it makes our time together that much sweeter!

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
John

organized religion

I'd like to start this blog by stating that I am not a Methodist. I am in fact a recovering Catholic who escaped guilt many years ago. Having said that many of you know I have a strong connection to the Methodist faith and at one point actually considered joining. This would have been a huge step for me as I gave up on organized religion some years ago. I came to my senses back then and am reminded of why I did it this week.

Open hearts, open minds, open doors doesn't exist in but a very few churches in our society. The Methodist church uses this slogan to show their acceptance of all God's people, but the greater church fails to recognize this and actually live up to it. Again we are told that LGBT individuals are welcome to worship, but are expected to leave their love, hopes and dreams at the door. If you prick us do we not bleed?

I'm frankly tired of being told welcome, but only if you don't ask to be treated with dignity and respect. Welcome as long as you sit quietly and accept what little we are willing to give.

I realize that their are very accepting reconciling churches that push the envelope on this issue and their LGBT members surely appreciate, love and experience the joys of their individual church. However, the system is still broken. The greater church doesn't appear to view you the same way. So when will the parishioners rise up in outrage and change a broken system or leave to follow God's true message of love thy neighbor.

I fear my passion on this topic might be swayed on this subject as people I love are truly affected by this antiquated and bigotted system. All I can do is show them love and support. For me though the bridge has been burned to many times. I will accept my judgement before God on the day I lay to rest. Until then I feel no concern or need to attend a service to be instructed on WWJD, because I know he would convict a man for loving his son and performing his wedding.

I'm sorry to my church friends as this may seem harsh. I appreciate all the good work that you do, but as I do not have the heart to support the salvation army after their leadership was quoted as saying gay parent should be put to death, I cannot support a broken organization that convicts for love rather than celebrates it.

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,

John

Better Bodies at lunch time

So I've decided to do something about my expanding body and lack of physical fitness. Knowing I have little time now that I'm a foster parent it became pretty evident that I needed a workout solution that was closer to work. Something I could get to quickly and do over lunch. I'm pretty lucky that I have a flexible schedule in this aspect. Drop Foster off at school at 7:10 at work by 7:30 could totally hit the gym over lunch and leave at 4:30 to get Foster from school.

So armed with this plan I went in search of a gym. I checked out CrossFit and literally thought I was going to die. I can totally see why it gets great results, but after the introductory session I had a migraine and required a 20 minute rest in my car before leaving the lot. I anticipated that might be a little to intense right out of the gate getting back into working out. Plus they only had two sad looking showers. Hard to say I wouldn't have to wait to get back to work.

I then went to Blue Moon. Figured $10 a month was pretty attractive. They are closer to my office than CrossFit, but a little farther than another two gyms. I felt the place was small and kinda dirty. The ceilings were very low compared to other places I'd been and the shower 'stalls' had walls that started at about my shoulders and stopped about my knees. I'm a little more modest than that. Plus when I walked in it just didn't feel right.

I have been a member at Anytime Fitness in the past and liked them, but wasn't sure they were a good fit now. I loved how their 'locker rooms' were actual individual bathrooms and the space is nice, but they have gotten expensive. I emailed about their prices and they were $39.95.

I decided to check out Better Bodies prior to Anytime Fitness and while the place feels kinda small for all the equipment they have it also felt good. I wished the locker rooms had more privacy, but over all it was a good fit. I decided to join rather than checking any farther. I joined about a week ago and have successfully gone about 5 times already. I'm slowly building my cardio and doing some crunches, planks and push ups. I follow that all up with lots of stretching. Helps with my lower back issues. I do wish I could afford to do some of the small group fitness classes, but they come with the $99 a month membership. I'll stick with my $29.95 membership that includes tanning!!

I've been doing really well at going over my lunch hour. Today I showed up around 11:15-11:30 got a good workout in and headed to the locker room. I'm not a fan of open locker rooms. Probably still lingering memories from middle school and high school that make them unpleasant, but they are a necessary evil. Today was a bit stressful though. When I went to shower the locker room was packed with people coming in. There was hardly room to walk around. Anxiety was in overdrive. I haven't had that affect in a long time and so it was very weird. Now some may say that's because I'm gay and I'm in a room with naked or half dressed men, but frankly when you are having anxiety as I was that is the least of my thoughts. Although trust me there is more than enough views to enjoy based on what I've seen outside the locker room!  After all this I'm thinking 12:10 is not the best time for me to be showering. This whole workout over lunch is still new and I'm getting into my flow. Some days may be later and some days may be earlier, but exact noon may not be the best time for me. You live and you learn!

I hope to have more posts about my progress.
My goals:
1. Lose about 30 lbs to get back to my pre-Omaha move weight
2. Have more energy to keep up with Foster
3. Be healthier to reduce aches and pains
4. Stay healthy

Please hold me accountable!

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
John

Thanksgiving

Next Saturday my family will gather at the farm and have our Thanksgiving Celebration. It'll be most of the day with family. The TV will be on, cards will be dealt and laughter will be heard. I enjoy days like these with my family. It gives me happiness to see us all together. As my nieces and nephews get older days like Thanksgiving are increasingly the time I get to see them the most. 

Facebook has many posts this time of year to say what we are thankful for. These are some of mine:

1. My mother who is and always has been resilient in the face of her changing world.

2. M because a house is just a house until you are there and turn it into a home.

3. My pups because they show me what unconditional love truly is so that I may try and give it as well.

4. My family because for all their faults, trials and tribulations they are my family. Crazy ass people that they are and as different as we may be I trust that they will always love and support me.

5. My home..it's not just a roof over my head, but a place to come to. A safe heaven filled with love and dog hair. It's my quiet oasis between big vacations.

6. My life and the ability for me to make it what I want it to be. I have friends and family who love me. A good job that affords me the opportunity to do the things that I like. 

7. Choices...that I live in a world were choices are possible. 

8. Fostering (both human and canine) because it brings purpose and a feeling of giving back to my life. That I'm doing something that makes a difference.

9. www.paperbackswap.com because I'm cheap and love to read.

10. Disney....seriously if you have to ask we probably don't know each other very well and if we do know each other that well you are probably surprised it isn't higher on this list.

11. In-door plumbing because it's almost winter and good God there is no way.

12. All of you...because without each of you to inspire, encourage and let me be me my life would be far less blessed.

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,

John  

Hawaii 2013 versus Iowa 1990's

This week has seen another big announcement as pertains to gay rights in our country. Hawaii became the 16th state to approve gay marriage. Pair that with earlier this year a large part of the federal law commonly known as DOMA being struck down by the Supreme Court and other states legalizing gay marriage and you see a tide of change and more is expected.

As a 35 year old man looking back to my younger years I can truly say that it does get better. In elementary school I was different, but didn't know why. In middle school the word gay starting being said against me. Bulling was common place, but back then no one saw or did anything about it. It appeared to just be a fact of life. In high school the bullies seemed to back off some and I suspect it had more to do with my father's death than anything else. In college and shortly after I began to realize what gay was and started the healing path with the help of great friends and support. It was still scary, but not as scary as the halls of school where threats seemed to be everywhere. They could lurk around the corner, in the bathroom or even a class room as the teacher turned to write on the chaulk board. Dark thoughts pervaided my life during those times, but somehow life kept me going. I'm glad it did otherwise I wouldn't know the joy and happiness that life had on the other side.

It took a long time to overcome those issues and money well spent in therapy. I'm happy to say I no longer harbor ill will to those bullies. I'm indifferent to their reasonings or any explanations. I no longer dread times spent back home. No longer look at the school building with cold chills and sadness. It's just a building. It's a place I once spent time. It's a memory. Defining moments in a persons life are made every day not just at one point in your life.

I choose to be happy. I choose to look on the brighter side of life.

My only regret in life is that I wasn't strong enough to come to this conclusion sooner. That I couldn't have been this strong person years before so that I could have helped someone dear to me through his dark hours in that same school. I'm happy he made it through, but I feel so sorry that I couldn't help him more. I wasn't there for him as an uncle should be who knows what it's like. If I'd just had the strength to stand up for myself back then and say I have worth rather than feeling like life would be better without me. I could have made a difference far sooner.

Fast forward to 2013 and gay is, in many ways, not an issue to a large percentage of the population. Kids today are coming out in elementary school and middle school. Shows are on TV showing the diversity of life that we all have not just some of us.

I am blessed in so many ways. Life gets better everyday. Life is GOOD! Life is what we choose to make of it and it is a choice we make every single day.

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs!
John

OMG I'm turning into my mother

So yesterday Foster had an appointment and after the person wanted to talk to me. The person indicated that they were happy with things and that Foster said they were eating more. The person responded saying John must be a good cook and Foster promptly replied saying we eat out a lot.

OK now I worked in a restaurant growing up and I can cook, but my skills may have slipped a lot. I can't help that M is such an amazing cook and I've not needed my skills in the last 4 years. I can still grill a pretty good steak, but that can't be every night. Can it? No I can't afford steak nightly and I'm pretty sure my suits, which are already tight, would just rip away.

Now I say that I'm turning into my mother because her kitchen literally probably just came with the house. If she could have built it without one she might have considered it and probably only put in new countertops last year because these look nicer. It is no secret that my mother finds the act of cooking less than pleasurable. She will sort cattle, harvest corn, walk beans and feed the hogs, but cooking eh not such a fan. The first time M accompanied me to my Mother's it was around lunch time and we were setting up a new TV. M looks at me and says do you think your Mom will make us a sandwich. To which I reply in 5-10 minutes she will open the door to upstairs and yell down if we are getting hungry and were do we want to go. She'll give you options of Pizza Ranch, Burger King, Border Fare and Subway. I should have bet him money because sure enough that's exactly what happened.

So how did I fall to this level where my cooking skills are on par with that and is this a big concern? Yes because eating out is expensive and I need to teach Foster that being self reliant and cooking meals is part of being a grown up. UGH there should be another grown up in the house to help. I guess this means the kitchen is no longer where I feed the dogs, eat cereal and store my diet dew. I'm actually going to have to stop as I walk through to the basement and do something in there. That is unless I can motivate M to start making meals and freezing them. :)

Either way I figure this is just one of the less desirable traits I've garnered from my mother. There are hosts of others to make up for it. I totally did a soccer mom on Foster today in traffic. Slammed on my brakes and right arm shot across Foster's chest like a thuroughbred coming out of the gate. He just looked at me like what was that. I turned up the radio and started singing along. Totally something Mom would do!

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
John

Sunday Parent Grade....D-

I feel like a horrible parent at this moment and I have since last night. Sophie had surgery Thursday to remove a couple of lumps, extract a tooth and do a cleaning. She appeared fine all weekend, but was rather sedate and couldn't get comfortable. I took it as being a little loopy from the medication. Fast forward to Sunday night and everyone is getting ready for bed. Sophie is sitting outside and I go to pick her up and brush under her chin and she yelps. For those of you that know our precious girlie girl she never yelps. Even when her eye pressure was 50 she never let on she was in any pain. I carried here inside and realized she had a very large lump under her chin right were the stitches were from surgery. I called Michael sobbing about how I should have known something was wrong. The fact of the matter is Michael is so in-tune with the pups that it's like they talk to him. He would have noticed it before it got that bad and have immediately known what to do. Instead Sophie is here with inept daddy who is oblivious to everything. After some tears I decided not to wait for the morning to see her Vet and packed her up and headed to the Doggie ER.

As the Vet and tech were giving her some shots and cleaning up a little of the infection in the back room I could hear my baby in pain. I started to cry again. I'm not typically a very emotional individual. That appears to have drained out of me many years ago, but hearing Sophie whimper was more than I could take. She is such a gentle soul. Always happy and wagging her tail. She is a gift that has been given to us to remind us of all the good that there is, was and could be for years to come. She is calm when others are crazy. Excited when food is presented. Snores when she's really tired. She shows me how simple and important life truly is.

All this brings into vivid realization that my baby girl is not a baby. She's most likely between 11 and 13 years old. Her life is in the twilight years and I may someday have to face this world without here. (OMG I sound like a country song) The truth is the world will be a much gloomier place without her and I vow to be a better parent. To try my hardest to be more like Michael and be more OCD about the kids and what is going on with them.

Dogs bring love and acceptance into our lives like no other being on earth can.

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
John

I hate cell phones!

Let's just say I'm at the age of a big tipping point in my life. I either choose to continue on updating technology or I disconnect entirely and go upon my merry way in an ignorance is bliss sort of mentality. All of us at some age has come to this point and made this decision. May not have been one you made consciously, but it was made non-the-less.

To explain my situation in just slightly more depth I will explain that my day today consisted of racking leaves with Foster and 3 trips to a Verizon store. This was after unsuccessful attempts to contact the Verizon customer support via Google Talk. The only phone in my house is cellular in nature and you can't talk to them on the phone you need help with. My issues started with cell phones around he age of 19 when I first got one and have steadily gotten worse. I'm currently on my 6-7 phone in about 16 months. I get error messages when trying to send texts and most recently when talking on the phone I can hear the other person, but they cannot hear me. This is most notable when I'm at home where we have a network extender to boast reception. This basically means I have 4 bars of service!

So this gives the background on why I hate cell phones. Yet, I still have one as I'm just not able to put down the connective waves of convenience that a cell phone provides (when it works). My calendar connects to it from work, I text almost everyone I know, it has Facebook and most importantly there is a solitaire game on it that I am pretty much addicted to.

Many of us may have just enjoyed the time honored tradition of Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin. Linus is often mocked by adults and children a like for his inability to leave his blanket at home. I ask if our cell phones have become our new security blankets! Who goes back home on the way to work if they have forgotten it? Who feels like they've forgotten an article of clothing if it's not with them at the mall? Who drives long distances and finds comfort seeing that little black device in the cup holder? Safety only an arms length away. I have. I do. Guilty as charged.  It's a CELL PHONE people. It's not meant to be anything more than a tool. One that we have all become so attached to that we must answer it while standing at the urinal. Talk on it while flight attendants try and prepare for take off. Discuss intimate details of your date last night on the bus the next morning.

No shave November! How had is that. How about No Cell Phone Monday!  There would be pandemonium in the streets. Business would grind to a halt and the world surely would become a scarier place indeed!

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
John 

Mommy I'm so sorry!

So I was reprimanded today at lunch for not having posted yesterday. I guess some individuals feel that my sole purposes in life is to now blog on the internet for their reading enjoyment. It's tough to come up with good topics though. I don't want to fill these pages with fluff so that you decide to stop reading just as I'm getting started. I asked for topic ideas on Facebook and a high school friend J suggested I write about how awesome my Mom is. After this mornings melt down by Foster over shoes I thought it might be fitting.

Foster had gotten some basketball shoes last weekend while with their family. Of course when they got home and I saw they were converse, my first instinct was to say really converse not really basketball shoes, but I bit my tongue and let Foster take them to practice. Needless to say the court was more ice rink than court. That night we ran to my new favorite store Sports Authority and got real basketball shoes. I told Foster though that their parents wanted to try and take the Converse back and they couldn't wear them until Saturday. This morning what is Foster wearing. You guessed it the converse. A return trip to the bedroom involved a complete wardrobe change and a non-speaking ride to school. After I dropped Foster at school I had to call Mom. She'd tell me I wasn't being a horrible 'parent'. I knew she'd be on my side.

When Mom answered and I relayed the story and apologized if I'd ever had meltdowns over clothes, I explained how Foster wouldn't talk to me the entire ride to school (4 miles) and I kinda felt bad and so my Mother in her infinite wisdom laughed. Yep laughed! It was a very peculiar mother son bonding moment as I was stuck in traffic on I-80 this morning. How was I to take that? Was she brought to tears of joy on the other side of the phone and was so moved all she could do was laugh tears of joy. Or was she straight up just having a good hearty chuckle over her 35 year old son having a teenage moment with his Foster.

I'm going to go with a bit of both because I'm not sure that my fragile ego could handle a full on assault of my mother laughing at me. My hero, my champion, my savior, my defender and my friend laughing at me. Yet now as I write I think she was probably just laughing. (As I imagine many of you are too!)

Upon further reflection though I think my Mother's response as always was directly spot on. I was stressed over Foster having a bad day over shoes. At what point do shoes quantify as a nuclear melt down of global proportions. In the grand scheme of things they are shoes. So I started to think how do parents raise children to be less concerned about clothes and other superficial items and more about the realities of life. Being connected to the world around you. I had originally thought about titling this post: 'Is there a pill for that', but I think this headline is more grabbing. However, the question still remains is how do these 'super' parents who have amazing kids that seems so connected and worldly beyond their years raise their kids? What do they do differently and how do I get them to share their secrets? Is there a book I can read? Is there pill I can give them? I mean there is a pill for everything else it is surely something Walmart sells! I'd be willing to brave a Walmart run if they sold something I needed this bad. I could justify it was for the children and tell myself I was being heroic. Well I might see if they sold it online first I mean lesbonest no one wants to go into Walmart and have to actually go through a checkout line.

Again this blog is an opportunity to reflect on life. I recently finished a book by Brene Brown titled Daring Greatly. Towards the end she talks about parent and how every parent wants to raise children who are good people, who have a strong sense of themselves and the world around them. She states in the book that in order for our kids to be like that they need us to model it. I'm having a spiritual moment here and realizing if I want Foster to be more connected with the world and be able to see the important things in life then I have to as well. Great another ringing endorsement for parenthood. I was just getting used to my selfish lifestyle of grand vacations, spending money, eating out and dreaming of a Suburban (or an Infiniti QX56). Cause those are all extremely important things in life!

I guess I'll keep working on being thankful for all the blessing life has given me and hope I'm modeling the a good man Foster will someday want to be like.

Once again my Mother is right though! I'm sorry Mommy if I was ever a little shit growing up. I'm sure it was only once or twice.

Peace, Love and Puppy Dogs,
john

Collaborative Parent: It's freakin hard!

It's hard to be a parent under any circumstances, but I would venture to say that it's perhaps a little harder to be a foster parent. As a parent you've planned for the child and you grow with them. You know their personalities and their quirks. As a foster parent you often meet a child the day of, or shortly before, they are placed in your home. They come in all different shapes and sizes and you, as the foster parent, are expected to build them into your lives all while maintaining your life, getting them were they need to be, coordinating with case workers and considering and consulting with the parents. This is no easy task considering many foster parents have full time jobs and often families of their own. Add to the mix that some foster homes have multiple foster children and this quickly can get out of control.

I look at this in many ways as I would a project at work. You have a number of variables and tasks that need to be completed, while balancing the expectations and needs of you group and at the same time maintaining performance on you own job; as project management is not my full time gig. All this with the looming pressure of bring the project to completion on-time and under budget.

Case in point tonight Foster and I need to have a chat about being tardy to class. Foster has had a number of them over the first quarter possible due to his transitioning to foster care. Today his teacher emails me to say if he gets one more tardy this semester they will be referred to the administrator.  As my mother's child no tardy is ever acceptable, but as a foster parent I have to weigh the severity of this issue against expectations of not only my home, but that of his parents. Now keep in mind the parents are a variable that come into a foster parents life at different intervals dependent on many variables. Tonight I could have done many things, but this is the track I took and I do feel it made a big difference to all parties.

1. I tried to speak with foster about the severity of this issue. That it is not acceptable for him to be tardy to a class when they has 4 minutes between class. It's even less acceptable for them to be tardy to their first class of the day given I have been dropping them off at 7:20 and classes do not start until 7:40.

2. When this didn't elicit any tangible results I called in the parent. Forwarded the email from the teacher and sent a quick text saying if they had a minute I would like to get their input on this issue. The parent responded immediately, I called and let them speak with Foster and then spoke with them myself. We talked about punishment and their resistance to punish because they didn't want to seem to hard on Foster. I explained it isn't punishment it is building boundaries and expectations. My goal was to have some consistency in expectations between my home and their's so as to make transition back home easier. This entire conversation was made in front of Foster so that when I ended the call they knew that their parents and I were in agreement about the boundaries, expectations and consequences. The result in Foster was immediate and we actually had an enjoyable evening talking about dogs.

If you are a parent imagine having to do that every time your child misbehaved. The dynamics between a foster parent and the parents has become very important over the last few years as they have discovered greater success can be achieved by having a collaborative environment. Sadly though not all parents are as responsive as in my case and not all foster parents are able to adjust to and implement these new expectations.

So many things to learn along the way.

Peace, Love, Puppies and Happy Fostering!
J

Introduction

So I must be crazy, but the idea of a blog somehow appeals to me. I must put props out to Stephanie and Sherry for pushing me to do it. We'll see how it goes though. This could go strong for a few months and end or it could go on for years. No one may read it or it may be huge. Who knows were life will take us as we stumble down this journey together.

At first I feel I must explain the title of my blog. It came from the combination of two distinct conversations on facebook. I was talking about how I had no man bags to carry all my stuff now that I had become a foster parent. You don't realize how much extra stuff you have to cart with you all the time. So while the title may be specific I'd like to assure you that those are not the only two topics that will be discussed. Of course if you are reading this and have suggestions please let me know.

Any personal information shared on this site is not for rebroadcast or usage outside this blog. Most times names will be limited to initials only. In the case of a discussion about foster parenting the child will always be referred to as Foster and no personal details will be given due to privacy for that child.

So after all that let the games begin!!